Decluttering Divorce
After the process of deciding who gets what is complete, there comes a time to decide what to do with the marriage artifacts that are left behind. At some point, letting go of such items seems appropriate/feels necessary to make space for what’s next. This time can be an invitation to demonstrate the willingness to leave the past in the past. The decluttering process can help bring clarity to where grief resides. My clients are often surprised to realize that they aren’t grieving the loss of the person or relationship as much as the loss of the dream of the happily ever after story. Bringing creativity can anchor the experience with a sense of joy.
A personal story: In 2016, as I was planning my way out of my 20-year relationship and imagining the pile of artifacts that would be left behind, I learned of The Museum of Broken Relationships in Zagreb, Croatia, which happens to be just a few miles from where my mother was born. That same year, an L.A. lawyer opened a second location just a few miles from my home in Los Angeles. Kismet.
My dear friend and I visited the part conceptual art, part relationship cemetery, which is based on the assumption that objects possess holograms of memories and emotions. It’s a space that preserves broken relationships' material and nonmaterial heritage. We wandered the presentation of date and location-stamped objects, photographs, letters and messages, and annotations by their anonymous donors, sharing a glimpse of the story of the relationships and their demise. We laughed and were touched as we devoured the sweet stories related to the raw emotion, the meaning-making, and the universal human experience of heartbreak and healing.
At that time, I wanted to unburden myself by erasing every reminder. I also sensed that at least one holographic item called to be preserved, if only to honor the two humans created from that once-upon-a-time love. I considered donating that item to take part in the creation of this collective emotional history. Although the L.A. Museum closed its doors just a year after it opened, it continues to accept donations, which it catalogs and shares, (with permission), on its Instagram account. You can donate an item to add to the physical collection in Croatia, or, as a registered visitor of the Virtual Web Museum, you can upload images and documents to secure a memory and choose whether to open your personal collection for viewing by other museum users.
Here are some other ideas about how to bring a spirit of renewal and repair to this process of letting go:
Wedding Gown or Tuxedo:
Turn it into art and then trash it—a lesson in impermanence. (The image above is my wedding dress-turned-mermaid gown, a family art project that then swam in the sea.)
Repurpose it by creating a pillow or quilt from the fabric and notions.
Donate to a community theatre wardrobe department.
Engagement Ring/Wedding Band(s):
Have it melted down and redesigned into a piece of jewelry you’ll enjoy wearing.
Sell it to Worthy or put it on consignment at the jeweler from whom it was purchased. Invest the proceeds in your legal fees, education/career training, or a new wardrobe. Or, if you don’t need the money, share it with someone who does.
Wedding/Unity Candle:
Light it to celebrate each time you notice progress emotionally or process-wise. Then, burn it down on the day you receive the final judgment. Take a photo of the completed candle and the final paperwork to remember this first day of the rest of your life!
Photos and Momentos:
Create a digital or paper scrapbook, collage, or memory box to hold the wedding album, video, invitation, guest book, mementos, favors, and select photos of favorite moments and sentimental items. Keep this treasure safe to share and pass on to your children someday. Shred, toss, or burn the rest.
Marriage Underwear:
Let’s admit it. It’s a thing. Bye bye old crony chonies! Gift yourself undergarments that reflect the relationship you’re cultivating with your pleasure, and that express your liberated, empowered, turned-on self.
Letting Go Party:
Perhaps this is a solo experience, or the circle of friends who have supported you will join. Destroy plates and glassware or anything that needs to go ceremoniously at a local Rage Room, or cut, shred, toss, or burn whatever is left with sentimental memories attached that don’t support your future self. Toast to starting out fresh!
Misc:
Consider selling items online on eBay, Craigslist, Nextdoor, or Facebook Marketplace, and use the proceeds to gift yourself something that delights you.
Regift items that are still in good condition to someone who will appreciate them.
Donate to local charity shops. Share your hard-won wisdom by penning and stashing notes about starting over inside each item.
Here’s to setting your creativity free!
“When you are overwhelmed, tired, and stressed, the solution is almost always less. Get rid of something. Lots of somethings.” —Courtney Carver