Connecting with Adult Children
Jim (not his real name) is two years post-divorce. He initially reached out to me for coaching midway through a stalled mediation process. He was exhausted and felt sure they were at an impasse. After just three coaching sessions, he and his former spouse reached an agreement. Jim said he felt relieved and elated. He was left with nine sessions in his coaching package. We explored how he might want to use the remaining sessions, but at that time, he wanted to take some space and said he’d see if anything emerged that he could work on. He stayed in touch and shared that he’d closed “the whole divorce chapter” and moved on.
He reached out again six months later, wanting to coach around his lack of relationship with his adult children. He’d recognized that his behavior during the marriage and divorce caused a great deal of damage. He also realized how much he missed out on in their lives while he prioritized his career and other interests. He acknowledged that they aren’t children anymore and is deeply grieving what he’s lost with them. He wants to cultivate relationships with his adult children and doesn’t know where to begin. Before the beginning of our renewed coaching container, I offered Jim and I offer you two of the very rare resources on this topic, both books and both available on audio:
Home Will Never Be The Same Again and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
My monthly coaching notes are shared here with “Jim’s” permission. We hope that by reading about his coaching journey, you’ll get a sense of this work and the potential for growth and healing in it.
Session 1 - Jim and I oriented to our space and to the resources he identified in and around him. He reflected on his actions and their impact on his relationship with his children. He acknowledged mistakes and missed opportunities and named willingness to take responsibility. He discovers that he doesn’t want to recreate the faux closeness he experiences with his own parents, and he doesn’t have a model for the kind of relationship he yearns for with his children. We got curious about how Jim’s body speaks to him in the deep ache in his heart and the chronic stabbing pain he experiences in his neck and right shoulder. He locates a place in his body he can orient to that feels less constricted, and he notices there is ease at the edges of this place. I invite him to drop in and pendulate between these places momentarily. After a bit, Jim says that he experiences the sensations beginning to blend like watercolor. This is an additional resource I’ll invite him to access as we move toward his goal of creating connection.
Session 2 - Jim identified how his lack of involvement and not responsibly attending to his mental health hurt his children and resulted in distance between them. The guilt and shame he’s been holding has been so heavy, and he recognizes he’s adopted coping strategies in an attempt to numb the pain. They helped him get through an overwhelming time and then became problematic themselves. Jim and I engage in a Somatic practice of letting go of the past and orienting to present-moment awareness. He experiences activation as tight clenching in and around his heart and throat. We stay with the experience and notice what happens with conscious attention and gentle, firm pressure on it. I notice wetness in the eyes and redness on the nose and cheeks. We stay with the experience and then check in when I notice a change in his breath. He names a softening around his heart and access to a deeper breath. I invite him to allow the body to breathe in whatever way feels nourishing, and he yawns and sighs. He shares a thought that he wants to invite his children to a counseling session intended to create a safe space to engage in an open and honest conversation. He plans to listen deeply to their experiences and sincerely apologize for his choices. He’s committed to building trust and consciously changing how he interacts with his adult children.
Session 3 - Jim and his children participated in what he experienced as a painful and productive counseling session, which brought many things to light that he’s still integrating. He recognizes that he can’t go back and make things different, but he can show up differently in the present, and he is more committed than ever to doing that. He shared that he feels hopeful and grateful that his children expressed openness to the possibility of a relationship. The counselor suggested Jim could reach out to each of his adult children to express his desire to build a connection with them individually. We checked in with his body, and he named a familiar clenching in his gut and a buzzing right underneath it. We felt into the clench and then the buzz, noticing the distinct experiences present. We pendulate for a couple of minutes and then he noticed the line blurred again, “like the ocean and the sky at the horizon”. He emerged with the idea that he would call each of his children on the phone (instead of group texting, which he saw as not contributing to the closeness he wanted) and ask each of them if they would be interested in spending quality time with him. He is interested in planning a monthly date with each of them individually and a quarterly get-together or activity where they can spend time together as a family. He intends to use this time to ask them about their lives, interests, and dreams, actively listen to their responses, and inquire about how to best support them.
Session 4 - Jim is making an effort to be physically and emotionally present in his adult children’s lives. In addition to celebrating birthdays and special occasions in a meaningful way (as opposed to the e-gift card he used to send), he makes himself available to support them during challenges, celebrations, and the in-between times. He is showing genuine interest in their day-to-day experiences and is making himself available to listen and offer his support in the way they would like. Jim helped one child buy a car in the past month, and the other move into their new apartment. We celebrated this as significant progress toward his goal. He shares that he feels grateful to witness and participate in their thriving. As we scanned the body, he named an expansive, warm feeling in his chest and a grounded and flexible sensation in his low back. He moves his head and shoulders in a stretching motion and names with surprise a neutral sensation new to his awareness. We stay here noticing and savoring, and he names ease.
Session 5 - Jim’s reminding himself that his adult children have their own lives, routines, and relationships. Respecting their boundaries is something he’s struggling with. He notices he takes it personally when they aren’t available, and he becomes overbearing and attempts to control their decisions. He senses that they pull back when this old behavior re-emerges. We coached around offering support and guidance when requested and what it looks like to be a source of stability, encouragement, and unconditional love. We role-played a recent experience, and he noticed bracing in his shoulders and neck and tension in his quads and calves. Jim found the role-play humorous and demonstrated self-compassion when re-experiencing the exchange.
Session 6 - Jim is establishing new traditions and activities with his adult children. He hosts a regular family dinner, invited his kids and their partners to vacation together, and sends them occasional thoughtful care packages just because. He has enjoyed joining his eldest child on a flea market trip to furnish her new apartment and hikes regularly with his youngest. He is creating new memories and experiences, fostering a sense of connection. Jim notices a sense of settling and stability in the whole of his body as he shares what he’s accomplished over the past six months. He places his hand over his heart and names warmth and fullness. We stay here and savor this experience. I witness the gentle smile and relaxed eyes reflect what he’s naming in his heart.
Session 7 - Jim is noticing how each relationship with his adult children is unique and he is enjoying learning about them and their preferences. He’s approaching them and himself with empathy, understanding, and a genuine desire to connect. He’s finding patience for himself and is recognizing that trust and closeness take time to develop. He frequently practices bringing attention to the present moment in his senses and surroundings. Jim has been consistently showing up and has chosen not to introduce his new partner, which he believes would unnecessarily complicate things at this stage. He anticipates introducing her when everyone expresses their openness, and he intends to integrate her into their gatherings at some point. He treasures his one-on-one time with each of his children and will ensure that that will continue. His genuine effort and commitment to acting from his values of authenticity, connection, and family have resulted in a sense of closeness he had little hope for before coaching. Jim and I agree that he is self-coaching, and we honored his courageous work and our work together with a gesture of gratitude.
Jim still has two sessions left in his coaching package, and we agreed to bank them until a new goal emerged. *(Just this week, he shared that he will be a grandpa and is eager to coach around how he will be in relationship with this new human.)
Divorce Coaching can support growth & healing long after the divorce chapter is closed & you’ve moved on.