Family Secrets

Disrupting a Legacy of Shame

Often, at the core of a divorce story is a secret. Chances are you have at least one secret in your conscious awareness as you read this. You are not alone. A Columbia University study found that the average person keeps 13 secrets at a time, and 5 are secrets they've never told anyone. How does keeping this secret you're thinking of feel? Is there weight? Guilt? Embarrassment? Fear of being found out? Shame? Carrying a secret is hardly ever pleasant. We know from the research that the stress of secret-keeping can impact our physical and mental health. Another study out of Columbia proved that secret-keeping contributes to emotional fatigue and social isolation. Researchers also found that keeping secrets results in fatigue even when you're not actively hiding them but are lying or remembering not to mention them. Who needs this drain?!

Many secrets around money, affairs, health, death, addiction, and abuse of all kinds are revealed in my practice. The stress of carrying these secrets is significant, often damaging an entire family's well-being and undermining a family over generations. Whether they are little secrets of no natural consequence or truths that have significantly harmed many, revealing secrets to someone safe can relieve guilt, shame, and regret. What to do next, including whether and how to reveal to others, is a courageous personal choice and action that coaching can support you through. 

"We're only as sick as our secrets" ~ Alcoholics Anonymous 

The Impact of Family Secrets:

• Instability - Children sense secrets in their nervous systems as alarm/anxiety when they sense something is out of alignment, severe, or hidden. They may turn this sense into a story that they're responsible for the unease in the family system.

• Suspicion and resentment among family members - A lack of trust in those we are closest to is unsettling at best; when we experience a disconnect between what our loved ones say and the energy in their words, an alarm is sounded. Truth feels settled. Secrets have tension and contraction in them. Our bodies know the difference. When we learn about a secret that has been kept from us, sense something is being hidden from us, or someone is lying to us, we feel ungrounded and confused. Our sense of trust is shaken.

• False sense of reality - Children develop an understanding of the world based on the information they receive from the adults around them. However, when they are eventually confronted with the truth, it can be difficult to reconcile their previous beliefs with reality, leading to disillusionment. The impact of secrets on children can be profound, regardless of age. Parents who keep secrets from their children might consider the consequences for future generations.

• Illness - Carrying a secret creates a state of chronic and excessive stress and guilt, even when silence is thought to be the best option for all concerned. Holding disturbing secrets over a long period can affect the body, and turning to coping strategies to mask this discomfort can compound the issue. 

When should I share a family secret with my children? When and what to share about family secrets with children is a typical coaching topic. We carefully consider the timing and location of when to reveal such a secret. Sometimes, the counsel of a therapist or having a safe third party present is another consideration we explore. While very young children may not need to know details (as long as the adults protect them from danger), most family secrets can be revealed gently and directly to teens. As adults, we are responsible for uncovering the family secrets that have been kept from us and have affected our lives in unforeseen ways. Knowing and understanding the missing pieces of our family history, whether current or past, is crucial to feeling complete and comprehending the reasons behind our family dynamics and behavior.

The more stressors you release, the more capacity you'll have for decision-making and creating the conditions for the life you long for. I’m here to support you in putting down the secret you've been carrying and to heal from secrets that were kept from you.